Called Out Of The Dark
~TigressSky April 24, 2013~

I’ve spent my days
Here in the dark with you
I’ve been told
“Don’t go into the light”
I’ve held your hand
Like an anchor of truth
Learned your riddles and rhymes
Yet I have always been
Attracted to shiny things
Maybe more so than the words from your mouth
So let me take them to the light
They mean so much more there
I’ve trusted your grip for so long
Yet what if everything I hold onto is wrong?

Who knows
I have been in here with you for so long
The darkness has become the light
Maybe my eyes will not see
Anything new at all
But what if they do?

What if they do?

In My Mind
~TigressSky © April 17, 2013~

All of these beautiful things
The decadence of my life
Looking inside
Reflections of what?

Destruction of security
A bedlam of false achievement
Only the knowledge
Remains true.

Still, I am sheltered here
Things I need
Things I don’t remember
Things that haunt my days.

There will always be a view
(I hope) without edge
That I must keep clear
Or lose the light.

It is comfortable at times
Languidly empty
A procrastination of debris
And a wish to no longer be

Broken.

Within
~TigressSky © November 20, 2012~

Our secret remains safe
In the fog of delusion
Your words hold my heart
Deep within

I wait patiently
For your appearance
From the mist
My strong desire
To love
Keeps me
Trapped within

You play the tune
Of this disease
Ridden heart beat
Me down
To your level
I sink within

Waiting for you
To escape
Her grasp
Wrap me in more
Lies of comfort
As naked
You show me
How cheap
I am within

Take me within
Take me without
Take me away

No more loneliness
In this moment
Your arms cherish me
Not her
In this moment
I am your choice
In this moment
I sink within
The haze
Of your abundant
Lies

Sanguine Emptiness
~TigressSky September 10, 2012~

People want you around
As long as you still sparkle
In their eyes

While you remain something
Fun and interesting
While all your quirks are not
Understood fully and seem
Cute and unconventional

They crown you for a year
Celebrate your becoming
A part of their lives
Explore the world
Through your bright eyes

Yet soon enough
You are old news
Your quirks have escalated
Transforming like a butterfly
Caught in a spiders web
Directly into annoyance

Everything you say
Is wrong
Everything you do
Is wrong
Everything you are
Is wrong
Everything loved about you
Is wrong

So you lose them

And
For awhile
Your heart
Is adrift in the emptiness
The changed absence creates

An opportunity for you
To crawl deep inside
Opening up
Your beating heart
To find yourself
Adrift in the depths
Of the great red sea
Covered in nothing
Less than sanguine inspiration

To become more
Than the emptiness
They believed
You to be

The Puppeteer
~TigressSky August, 24, 2012~

You treated me
Like a whore
Not like the temple
Priestess whose arms
Gave birth
To your freedom

From your mind
As I whispered
The call of the God
Into your ear
You were awakened
As you let me die
So you could become

Late in finding
Me resting happily
In his arms that worship
Every ounce of my being
The vision of the Goddess I am
He holds me close
Honors me with trust
The truest of love

You cannot offer
As your ego
Is in charge
Of your desires
You see me now
As a challenge
To fight over

And done
There is no challenge
In the heart’s strings
The puppeteer
Is only visible
Within the mirror
Look closer

See yourself
Find yourself
Let go of the ego
Remember my whisper
Awaken the God
Step forth
Take hold
Of your strings

I started writing this weeks ago. I kept meaning to finish it. So, today I decided it is done. I’m not trying to finish it or add more to it. Time to move on and let new words and ideas loose. Besides, it pretty much says what I need it to without any extras.

Whatever, maybe it is crap but I am done with it.

~TigressSky~
——————————

Beautiful
~TigressSky © July 3, 2012~

“I don’t think you know
How beautiful you are”

And that is why he is here
Next to me

I do not have to ask
Or beg, or plead, or hope
That I am good enough
He simply tells me
Without hesitation
How much I mean to him
How much I am appreciated
How much he loves me
For who I am
Not who he hopes
I will become

I now understand the true illusion that is time
I now understand the true connection that is death
I now understand the truth of being lost and safe
In your arms

There is something to be said for a feeling of security
In who you are and what you love

~TigressSky © May 2, 2012~

The Pretense of a Kiss
~TigressSky © April 27, 2012~

“How bout I break your back!
Would you like that bitch?
Would ya?”

Walking home through
The darkness of an Alaskan winter
Snow drifts packed
Against the edge of the sidewalk
Taller than I
Glowing to light the way
As the streetlights above buzz

And it was cold,
And it was dark,
And I was alone

Thinking about Isaac
My junior high crush
How I wished
I could get even a moment
Of his attention
Directed my way

Thinking about my best friend, Diane
The crossword puzzles
And artful color-by-numbers
We created for each other
The boys we liked
Gilly and his insanity
Rollerskating and Jed
Stealing Mr. Sketch scented markers
From Mr. Wilkerson’s science class
The crush I had
On Mr. Wilkerson
On Jonathan Knight
On the man who took my virginity
And most importantly,
On Isaac

The music was loud from the apartment
There is nothing new here
She drinks
The music gets loud
It takes the pain away
Or it adds happiness to the day
Or it makes her feel
Something,
Anything,
Nothing

“How bout I break your back!
Would you like that bitch?
Would ya?”

Outside and all around
His voice was the nothing
Anything,
Something,
Drowned
By the music

The opened door
Covered me with
The warmth of the apartment
Coated in cheap wine
Stale cigarettes
Her tears
And his fist

Shutting myself inside quickly
All the curtains are drawn
The dark feels so much darker now
The only real light
A television flickering and mute

A small table knocked over
An ashtray spilled at my feet
A broken glass
A potted plant
Now lay outside it’s pot
Where is the pot?

The coffee table on it’s side
Smashed precariously against the television
A wine bottle tipped over beside it
Bleeding a red puddled stain deep
Into the dingy brown carpet
My mother lay on the other side of the table

Quiet

She paralleled the wine bottle
Her tears mixed with blood
Screaming her silence
Into a stain the dingy brown carpet
Would always hold tightly
As a secret that can always be seen
As a question that can never be answered

Bent like a pretzel
Her small 5 foot 7 inch frame
Pinned tightly under the weight
Of a man, nearly three times her size
He is laughing at her
He is laughing at the world
His words spit at her in excitement
His fist finds her face again
And yes, again

The door closes
And he looks at me
Manically happy with his deeds

“She can watch me do it!
You would like that wouldn’t you!?
She can watch you die right here!”

And maybe I am suppose to care here
Maybe I am suppose to scream and cry
And save her from this abuse
This fucking crazy man
Who thinks he is proving something
To some voice in his head
Or some lesson in his heart
He has to learn

But,

There is nothing new here
Except an obstacle course
Too rush past
On the way to my room
Were my music is louder
My music is stronger
My music will hold me
As I wait

As I wait for the quiet
From the other room
To begin

As I wait for a sign
That she is still alive
That he finally feels
Satiated by his anger
That she finally feels secure
In his love
Delivered strictly from
His fist

As I wait for the moans
In the bedroom to begin
And end
The bathroom to be used
The house to go completely silent
Except for the music
My music
Holding me

Because tomorrow
No one will talk about this
And Isaac still won’t know who I am
And Mr. Wilkerson still won’t know
His markers are gone
And Jonathan Knight still won’t know
I’m alive

But Diane and I will laugh
In the darkness of the cold Alaskan winter
With only a few hours of light
Were we will finish our crosswords
Color our artwork
And figure out how to get
Gilly and Jed
To come rollerskating that weekend

Because in the end
Lost in the pretense of a kiss
The world is
So beautiful
You never question
Why you are here

Lost Beginnings
~TigressSky April 24, 2012~

I miss you
Is what he thinks he’s saying
I missed you
Is what he really says

A note comes to me
A call
A subtle comment
A look
A light brush against me
In a crowded room
In a not so crowded room
In a dream
Far away from me

He says
“You are wonderful
Beautiful
Smart
Fun
Intelligent
So much of everything
I have always been
Searching for
Standing her waiting for
Emptily grasping at with straws
Had no idea even existed”

Hey says
“I should have never let you go”
Or
“I don’t know why I chose her instead”
Or
“I should have called”
Or
“I don’t know why I just disappeared”
Or
“I should have made even one ounce of effort”
Or
“I don’t know why I never told you how I felt”

All of it just selfish statements
Of what one dreams they are missing
In the substantiated vision of me
Built within the moments of witnessing
All of the pieces of me
I am sharing readily
Openly
With you
With others
With myself
Penned in passages of some form
Of falsified prose
And promises
My heart has made
To my mind

Yet the only truth
In all of this
Is that within the moment
It was decided
To choose her
To not call
To disappear
To make no attempt
To remain silent
I was already being missed
For I am not a second chance
At a life
You refused
To even attempt
To begin

Boo!
~TigressSky © April 19, 2012~

Nightmares?
I thought I had gotten past this.
Yet just the thought of you
Angry at me
For making a choice to leave
Kills my heart.

I never chose
To leave you.

I was told
I couldn’t see you
Anymore.

Yet I sit awash in feelings of guilt
That I didn’t scream
Fight
Cry
And die
Raging against them
And their false power
To see you
To keep you
From my life.

I just let them tell me
What I was
And wasn’t
Allowed.

And I cried myself
Into fitful sleeps
For months on end
Until
Eventually
One night
The tears didn’t come.

Yet even without tears
I think about you
With each inhale
Of life I take
And I am certain
When the breath stops
You will still be
The one thing
I keep with me
Always.

And I will never breath
Without gasping deep into my lungs
The drowning guilt
Of not fighting harder
Nor will I escape
The nightmares
Developed purely from
The fearful belief
In your anger
Towards me
For a choice I couldn’t control
And a love lost
That I can never let go.